WOMEN'S CIRCLES

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
My mother died when I was four years old. My father did a good job raising me and my brother by himself. Because I grew up in a house that had two males, I don’t think I had the guidance I needed to be the most girly-girly type girl. I don’t necessarily do well with women as friends. But, now that I am approaching thirty, I want to be more in touch with my feminine side; at this age where do I begin to seek a role model?

Denise

Dear Denise,
Role models are all around us. Identifying women your age that you want to be like, then befriending them would be the obvious. But, since you grew up in a male dominant household, you are probably more comfortable having men as friends.

An idea that is growing around the world is the ancient concept of “women’s circles”. Women’s circles are a safe place for women to come together to understand and honor themselves. These circles also provide nurturing spaces for women to own their feelings, share life experiences and collective wisdom.

We have all seen renderings of cave women sitting around a fire, probably sharing tales of the day. During medieval times there were not only talking circles, there were festive and ritualistic dance circles. Late 1700’s women’s circles were more then “sewing” circles, they united to encourage a movement to stop using British goods. During the late 1800’s women circles started evolving into feminine political voices. And, of course, the circles eventually led to the women’s movement during the 1960’s. History is full of examples of women praying together, studying together, serving together, and sharing life experiences together.

Somehow, at the end of the 20th century women started segregating themselves from other women. It could have been a change in parenting styles? A national consensus of comepetition vs cooperation? Or, the decreasing two parent household? I will bow to future researchers to figure the reason for women not sharing with other women.

“Circles” are a deeply human experience. Circles are a safe place where women know that they are heard and that their collective wisdom is honored. Circles empower women to build peace around the women doing what women do best—sharing their life experiences and wisdom.

Denise, you can either join a circle that is already formed, or you can start a circle of your own. If you decide to start a circle of your own my suggestion would be to define your age group; my experience is that 30-40 somethings are in a totally different stage then 50-70 somethings. Discussions in these groups offer insights to what we can expect to experience in that particular stage of life; hearing what the same age group is experiencing is often very profound.

Next, decide your purpose and focus of the group. Examples of “purpose” can be spiritual exploration, discussion of current events, getting in touch with inner creativity, marriage and motherhood--the possibilities are endless. Just be clear what need your circle will fill.

Once you know why you are having the circle you can start inviting other women. You probably don’t want more then 12 to 15 to begin a circle. Women will start and leave the circle; new ones will come in, depending on how strong your circle becomes. You might want to invite five or six women you know, and ask them each to bring a friend—this will add diversity to your circle.

Rules are definitely needed to preserve the integrity of the group. Confidentiality, respect, and honest communication are major components of a successful circle. You also want to be sure that everyone is heard and their stories are honored. Introductions allow participants to start talking and gage their own personal comfort level.

I love the idea of my circles being pot-luck. In my Sicilian culture, food was always present around tables—even if it were coffee and breads. It is fascinating what you can learn about people by breaking bread with them and it seems to open people up to talking.

You might also want to consider asking someone experienced in facilitating circles to attend your first couple circles to help you with the structure.

Denise, women’s circles provide guidance, insight, and knowledge about what other women are experiencing, and how you might want to precede with your own life. Circles are about cooperation not competition.

Be well on your journey.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.