RSVP

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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This letter dealt with a National lifestyle change that has gradually taken place called “proper etiquette”. Young girls have been calling boys for a couple decades now. And, I can’t remember when boys stopped opening doors for girls—maybe somewhere in the seventies. But, like the woman that asked this question, the term RSVP has not only lost “proper etiquette” meaning, it has given way to 21st century technology.
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Dear MAx,
Compared to some of the letters you get, this may not be so bad. But, this is something that makes me so angry. My husband and I entertain a lot, this is something that we really enjoy doing together. We usually go to great extents planning the meal, the decorations, the entertainment—we want everything perfect for our guests and we want them to have a nice evening. Unfortunately, our guests don’t seem to put their part in it—answering the RSVP! And, when they do RSVP they either still show up if they said they weren’t, or, they don’t show when they say they will. What is going on here? I am beginning to think people forgot what RSVP really means. Is this important enough to do a column on?

Kathi

Dear Kathi,
Important enough? Kathi, if it is bothering you, then it is important enough to do a relevant column. Besides, I am totally with you on this one. When I moved to the Pacific Northwest, I thought RSVP was just something that was more “traditional” on the East Coast where I was raised, and everyone out here was just rude.

A check-in with my very proper Sicilian Aunt, who still lives on the East Coast, verified that RSVP seems to be loosing meaning. She also lamented that sometimes she doesn’t even get official invitations to parties that—people just expect she will show up for special occasions.

For those 21st Century computer driven readers that may not be sure what we are really referring to, this is NOT the “Rapid Serial Visual Presentation” method used to display text in a limited space; nor is it the “Resource Reservation Protocol” which is a protocol transport layer for the Internet. For the physics scientists, we are also NOT talking about the experimental physics project, or the, “Rare Symmetry Violating Process”. And, finally, for my fans down-under in Australia, we are not talking about your largest online dating service for singles.

Kathi and I are sharing a concern about the lack, or sincerity, of people responding for social events via “RSVP”: “répondez s'il vous plait”, a French expression that means, “please respond”. The request is to respond to the invitation whether you are going to attend, or not attend.

I consulted with Linda Reed, Etiquette Consultant with Burns & Reed Enterprise, regarding her thoughts on what is happening with the RSVP tradition. She said “Lack of knowledge and social entertaining.” She pointed out that many people do not entertain as much these days, so the formal etiquette of response is getting lost.

Ms Reed also said that those hosts sending the invitation with an RSVP can be impacted economically by not having an accurate head count. She pointed out that tables, chairs, linens, flowers, food, etc, are all charged by how many people are going to be there. This amount can vary from $10/head to $1000 or more/head. If you are planning on having 90 people show up and only 75 show up—well, you can do the math.

On the other hand, if you have 75 people respond that they are going to attend, but 90 show up, this stretches the party plans, stresses the hosts, and puts a damper on the entire affair. Again, it can also have an economical impact.

When someone receives an invitation with RSVP written anywhere on the invitation, it is a plea to let the host know whether or not they either plan TO ATTEND or NOT ATTEND. If the host only needs to know if you are NOT going to attend, the invitation may have the words “regrets only” for your response.

Kathi, I really appreciated you asking this question. I found over thirty definitions for RSVP, some of which I shared above, so I am thinking that people being “rude” may not be a reason they don’t respond. I would have to go with Ms Reed’s opinion that people just don’t know, and the social art of entertaining is diminishing.

I sincerely hope that my readers have gotten the importance of appropriately responding to an RSVP the next time you receive an invitation. Your host is working hard to put an event together for your enjoyment as well as theirs, help them do it right by providing an accurate head count. It is the “proper” etiquette.

Be well on your journey and have fun at your next social event.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.